Monday, May 9, 2011

Training Your Drag Queen Husband.

Drag Queen Husband Trainer for hire. Yes, let me whip your husband into shape and make him a valuable asset to any drag show you drag him too.
Over the years, I have heard Holotta told how lucky she is to have such a good drag husband. That they wished that their husbands were as good. Well, it has taken a lot of training to get to the level that I am now at. And trust me, there were a few bumps in the road.
One time was when Holotta had a show up in Guerneville, which is about eighty miles north of San Francisco. It was about a two and a half hour drive from our home in Hayward. At the half way point, a disturbing image popped into my head. It was of a make-up case sitting on a counter.  At home. Where I left it. Holotta is going to kill me. Lucky for me, I had a witness, our friend and fellow drag queen, Deneka, was in the car with us.
Actually, Holotta took the news fairly well and did want any drag queen would have done in the same situation. She pulled off the freeway at the sign of the next Wal-Mart. We were able to get most of everything she needed to get by for doing the show. And that is how I learned never to forget the make-up case again.
There was also the time I forgot the whole garment bag with several costumes in it. Yeah, you are thinking, “Wow, and he is still alive?” At least in this case, it was after the show was over. But, nonetheless, Holotta was not a happy camper, as in the garment bag was an old changing robe that came from Finocchio’s and unfortunately there are a few drag queens that have sticky fingers. Holotta was afraid she might not ever get it back. Thank the gods for the modern social network. I tracked down a couple of the other drag queens that had performed at that show on Facebook and got their phone numbers. With their help, I was connected with Ivy Drip, who was the host of the show. Sure enough, she had gathered up Holotta’s costume for safekeeping until we could pick them up. Which we did the next night, changing robe and all.
I have also been known to fall asleep on the job. When Holotta worked for Finocchio’s, I would go with her on the weekends, not that she needed my help there that much. Sometimes, I would get tired by the time they were getting ready to start the third show of the night and would go lay down in the side bleacher seating that rarely got used. What amazed people about this, was that this was right under the speakers. They could not believe that I could sleep with the music so loud right above my head. When the show was over, Holotta would be looking for me and the emcee at Finocchio’s, Brian Keith, would say, “Check the bleachers”. How Brian had known that I was up there, I never knew.
The other place that I use to fall asleep was back stage at Heklina’s Trannyshack. If you ever caught this midnight show at the Stud on Tuesdays, you know that it is really loud. The backstage area was also usually crammed with the performers. But sure enough, to Heklina’s amazement, I would be tucked away in the corner, fast asleep.
But even with the mistakes I have made, I have become an expert in several areas of being a Drag Queen’s Husband. I can pack a make-up box in a minute, clear a path through the crowd with the crack of a whip and make a costume change as fast as a stripper disrobing.
So, there is room still available for Summer Classes but enrolment is ending soon. Please don’t forget to check if you qualify for financial aide.


  1. Now this I believe. It's easy to fall asleep at Holotta's shows. JK